As we go through life it takes us on highs and lows and
through twists and turns. As I traveled
through my infertility journey, to protect myself I began to shield myself from
certain events, outings and sometimes even girl’s night outs. It wasn’t really anything anyone was doing…
it was more about what I wasn’t doing.
Most of my friends had begun their families, and then continued to add
in numbers. That was just what they
should have been doing and I wanted nothing less for them. They knew that about me. Even still, certain things just weren’t the
same anymore. Many didn’t know how to
support me through this hardship in my life, so some relationships faded away
completely as they just didn’t know what to do or what to say. I do not fault them in this area, as it is
extremely taxing to support someone who longs for something that comes to you
so easily. I understood. It was harder for some than for others. For most friendships our friendship didn’t lessen,
it just became a new normal. I soon
realized through my infertility journey, I needed to in addition find others who
would understand my deepest thoughts regarding my infertility journey.
The number of infertile women is continually rising, but we
are still the minority. I realized that I
needed to find a special friend who related to me, which wasn’t easy for me
even though I consider myself to be social. I needed a friend, but I wasn’t actually searching for one. I had
gone through periods of time where I became more reclusive than other
times. I began to open up to others less
often than I ever had before and started to find myself feeling very alone and
sad a good portion of the time.
My sweet husband is such an amazing man. He is so loving and supportive, truly, I could not ask for more…
He would tell me I was beautiful and more than enough, when I came to the realization that I would not be able to give him a child.
He held me tight when I was broken. When I read the negative results on the
pregnancy test, time and time again, thinking… I was so sure that this was the
time we would succeed.
He was supportive every time I wanted to buy yet another
pregnancy test, even though he knew the odds were not in our favor.
He even held my hand when I didn’t have the strength to pray
and night and asked my Heavenly Father to comfort me.
He is one of a kind!
Even still, a man feels like a man and a woman feels like a
woman. He did a wonderful job supporting
me, though I longed for someone to understand the emotions and heart break I
was feeling. Then our journey shifted,
we felt prompted to search out adoption.
It was beautiful; it warmed me every time we talked of it… for the first
time it felt like we were on the right path.
We never did receive answers to our infertility problems; we are one of
those undiagnosed couples.
Adoption… Open Adoption.
Once we began to travel the path of adoption, everything felt right. Adoption
didn’t feel like we were settling on the next best thing since we couldn’t
conceive. We were excited about it. When we discovered adoption we realized it
was always the path we were meant to travel.
Our kids would come to us through/ with another.
Our two little miracles came home to us, and we didn’t just
add two miracles, we added their biological families as well!! Our family grew very quickly at that
point. Our children’s birthparents were
so brave and strong… but there was still a lot of healing to be done. Both of our children’s birthparents adored
the idea of parenting their little one… but their circumstances and timing didn’t
offer the stability they wanted for their little ones. I experienced a lot of guilt. Not many people understood this. “How can you feel guilt, they gave you this
beautiful baby!” Open Adoption is new to
many people; they don’t quite grasp the love relationship that we have with our
children’s birth families. Their pain is
because of our joy. Adoption is not a
fairy tale where you receive a baby, cut ties, and go your own way to then live
happily ever after. There is a balance
to be created in these sacred relationships.
Again, going through this stage was also delicate and I
began to long for that person to relate to.
You go through some really strong feelings as you travel the path of
adoption, highs and lows. At times I
just needed to be validated or understood.
I did meet some other women who also traveled in their own adoption
journey, but they had closed adoptions.
There was a bond, and I appreciated the connections we have still to
this day.
My sister in law said, “There is a blog I think you might
like. A girl in my sister’s ward in
Texas (we are in Idaho).” I was a bit
skeptical if I’m completely honest, how was I going to be able to connect with
the woman who is so far away. Curiosity
got the best of me. Through reading her
blog and conversing with her once in a while, I soon noticed how much our lives
parallel each others. We had just both
adopted our second child, and we both loved open adoption. We started talking on the phone all the time;
you would think we were best friends our whole lives. It was common in our conversation to hear, “What?
You too?!” I am not sure who was more
excited for me to find Candace… me or Russell.
Ha. I felt normal again! SHE was the answer to many prayers.
We met last year for the first time in person, and it was
once again like we had known each other our whole lives. We still talk, Facebook, Skype several times
a week and are planning a trip again in March.
I am so grateful for Candace. If
you talk to me about her in person you will notice the tears in my eyes. She is not just my friend, she is truly my
sister in adoption. I am a better person
because she is in my life. I do not have
to define, explain or justify anything that I express about our adoption
journey. She already knows. I still have great connections and great
friends who are not in the adoption world, and they are just as special to
me... but I can't even express in words how much I needed my adoption friend. For infertile women/adoptive mothers
out their… I strong encourage you find your infertile/adoption buddy. If you don’t have one, and you want one… let’s
find you one. A little piece of , “What? You too?!” is so healing! Thank you Candace for being such a true
blessing in my life! I love you, Bestie!
